Nursing Home Nightmares
by ElasticBobaTurtle
Summary: What happens when you mix Gai's team, a disgruntled Team 7, and a nursing home filled with old geezers together? Something none of the students will never forget...whether they like it or not. Major OOC, bouts of randomness, and awkward silences to boot.
1. Prologue

It seems like just another day of torture in the lives of Team 7. They are soon to be proved wrong. Gai's team and Kakashi's team both volunteer to help out at Konoha Nursing Home. With old people, yes. What results is a day that the unfortunate students will never forget, whether they like it or not…

**Nursing Home Nightmares…**

**Prologue **

A quiet morning. Plenty of fog and mist. The air was mysterious, filled with an atmosphere of anticipation. Just the way Sasuke liked it. Except there was just one thing he _didn't _like about this morning – namely the dancing species of ape in front of him known as "The Miraculous Dancing Ape Uzumaki Naruto."

"Woooohooo! Sasuke I am soooo gonna kick your butt in today's training! JUST WATCH ME!" Naruto whooped as he flexed his pathetic excuses of muscles. Sasuke snorted under his breath. Weren't there such things as natural muscle enhancement pills? Maybe he should recommend them to Naruto…

On second thought that would be _much_ too nice of him.

"OH BABY I'm HOT TODAY!!!!" Naruto bounced around in his hyper-active state, pausing every now and then to make a stupid face that made him look even **more** like an orangutan…if that were possible. Was that supposed to be a victory dance of some sort? Or was that just normal ADD Monkey behavior? Sasuke didn't know. Oh God, how he wanted to slap the sucker in face.

"Naruto, shut up! Can't you see your annoying Sasuke-kun?" Sakura screeched while whamming Naruto with a nice one-two.

_Not bad_, Sasuke noted. He had never known that Sakura possessed such elite boxing skills. Usually, she acted like a sissy.

"Settle down, children," Kakashi called as he appeared in a cloud of smoke. "I know you missed your dear sensei."

"As if!" Naruto snorted so hard that Sasuke could almost swear he saw slimy, green snot dripping out of the idiot's nose.

_Gross…._

"Well, Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto, today we will be completing a mission."

"Well DUH," Naruto drawled.

"Except," Kakashi said, eyeing the team. "We will be doing it with…Gai's team."

"WHAT?! You mean with that freaky bowl cut caterpillar eyebrowed guy!? NO WAY! NUH-UH!" Naruto sat down pointedly and crossed his arms.

Just like the spoiled brat he was.

"Oh, how nice! I can't wait! Won't it be fun, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura fluttered her eyelashes in a pitiful attempt to look pretty.

"…" Sasuke turned so she had a nice view of his back.

"I guess you all will want to know what today's mission is, right? Well. You'll be excited to learn that we will be helping out at a nursing home."

_Oh great._

_Now we get to be harassed by Mr. Freaky Bowl Cut Caterpillar Eye-browed Guy's Team _**and**_ help old people urinate in plastic bags. Perfect._

"And just to remind you, this is for a good cause. So I want a positive attitude from _all_ of you. That includes you too, Sasuke." Kakashi eyed the dark-haired genin sternly.

_Pfftt. Yeah, I'm so excited to go help old people urinate in plastic bags because it's for a wonderful cause! Don't make me laugh. _

"Hn," Sasuke grunted. Kakashi smiled that annoying crinkly-eyed smile of his.

"Shall we be off, then?"

**Gai's Team**

"Team! Today is the big day!" Gai-sensei careened about the room, flashing his oh-so-shiny smile that resulted from hours of thorough brushing with Trident Whitening Paste.

"Today! We! Shall! Be! Challenging! Team! 7! KAKASHI'S TEAM!" Gai emphasized each word with a flashy pose. Rock Lee gasped in fascination.

_This is the day that I prove that I am better than Neji! This is really it! I can do it! I just have to remember what Gai-sensei said! "Brush your teeth twice a day! Floss your teeth, once a day!" That was a really catchy tune, too! Wow, Gai-sensei is so amazing! If only I could be like him… _

Lee stared up at Gai-sensei, his dark eyes shining with sheer adoration. Tears of admiration threatened to spill as he choked out, his voice full of emotion, "Oh, Gai-sensei! This is the chance I've been waiting for! Wait till you see what I can do!"

Fierce determination burned in Lee's eyes. He turned to glare at his arch rival Neji, who was leaning nonchalantly against the wall.

_Oh, he thinks he's so fine and cool! Well he's nothing compared to Gai-sensei! Don't worry…I _will_ beat you, Neji! With plain hard work and determination!_

"That's the spirit, Lee! Oh, the fountain of youth is so full of energy!"

"Ten-ten, aren't you so excited?! This is our big chance!" Rock Lee exploded, bursting with enthusiasm.

"Um…yeah, Lee. Of course!" Ten-ten forced a smile. She couldn't help but feel a little sympathy for the mildly deranged boy. It wasn't that he was mean or anything – in fact he was overly nice – but he was slightly…different, if you get what I mean.

"I can't wait! I'm so excited!" Lee babbled, jumping up and down. Neji smirked indifferently. What a hopeless nut case. Though his tai-jutsu wasn't _too_ shabby, he supposed. But Lee, of course, would _never_ measure up to the standard of genius that he, Hyuuga Neji, was at. And I mean _never_. Not a chance.

"Gai-sensei! Where will we be going? I want to get there as soon as possible!"

"Lee, I'm so proud to see your enthusiasm! To let all of you know, we will be visiting and helping out at a nursing home!" Gai waited for the eruption of cheers from his pupils.

"A nursing home?" Ten-ten asked dubiously. "You mean…with old people?"

"Now, Ten-ten! Old people are wise! You should feel privileged to be around them!" Gai-sensei reproved, showing off his dazzling Trident-y smile. Neji snorted a little.

"And exactly what is the point of this mission?" Neji asked, arching an eyebrow.

"It's for a good cause! To help the old people of Konoha!" Gai-sensei replied in a matter-of-factly way. "Now, no more wasting time! We don't want to be late for our appointment with Kakashi! OFF TO KONOHA NURSING HOME!"

**End of Prologue**

**Chapter 1 – Pedophile Alert (Sakura)**

Sakura grumbled under her breath as they approached Konoha Nursing Home. Old people were everywhere. She gagged as the full blow of old-people smell hit her in a nauseating wave.

Gai's Team approached the Konoha Nursing Home at around the same time. The two teams exchanged greetings. Well, more like Gai-sensei and Rock Lee exchanged greetings with everyone else.

"Kakashi-sensei! My team shall beat your team today! If they don't, I will eat 25 raw jellyfish!"

"Whatever you want Gai…just make sure you don't kill yourself while you're at it. I don't want to be responsible for your death."

"Do not worry, Kakashi! You are a worthy opponent! Your cool and hip attitude makes me burn with envy!"

"Heheh…right, Gai. Now excuse me, I must instruct my students."

"That's right! Lee, Ten-ten, Neji, come over here! We must devise a plot to defeat Kakashi's team!" Gai's eyes gleamed dangerously. As for Kakashi….

"Uh…well, Team 7. It seems like we need to have duties assigned in the office. Come along, now."

The team padded along reluctantly behind Kakashi, with Naruto mumbling profanities, Sakura raging inside, and Sasuke…well, being "cool."

_Gah. This is soooooo stupid! How am I going to impress Sasuke around a bunch of old perverted fogies?! There better not be any pedophiles around this place…._

Sakura shuddered involuntarily. She stared uneasily at the row of gaunt faces lining the room. They gazed back unwaveringly, their luminous eyes haunting her.

_Please, God no…_

She felt her pulse quicken in panic. This place could take years off your life. Innerly, she blamed Kakashi for scarring her for the rest of her life. What kind of teacher takes beautiful, innocent girls to a place over flooding with scary old men with twisted minds?!

_Oh great. Just what I need. Nightmares about stalking pedophiles…_

Team 7 made their way down the eerily white hall to a door made of oak wood. The door was opened by a strict-looking nurse, who beckoned them into the office. Kakashi and the three genin shuffled nervously inside.

"Let me see here…you three are Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto, I presume?" the nurse adjusted her dark-rimmed glasses. "It's so kind of you to volunteer to help the elders at Konoha home. You know, they get really lonely out here…"

_WHAT?! Kakashi volunteered us?! So it wasn't a mission!? That conniving little…_

Sakura clenched and unclenched her fists, grinding her teeth at the same time.

"Is something the matter, Sakura? You look like you have diarrhea." Kakashi said. Sakura gaped at him.

_He did NOT just say that in front of Sasuke!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid…STUPID!#_

"N-nothing, please continue," Sakura forced a wan little smile, trying to regain her composure. Her eyebrow twitched slightly. She winced as she saw Sasuke smirk. Kakashi would pay, even if he _was _her sensei. She would make sure of it. To shame her – in front of Sasuke, no less – that was simply an unpardonable sin. She wouldn't go easy on him just because he was hot.

_Wait._

…

_KAKASHI!?_

_HOT!?_

_That is so wrong! He's like…._She calculated mentally. _**FOURTEEN YEARS MY SENIOR!** _

Sakura blanched.

…

_The old people smell must be making me delirious or something…_

The nurse cleared her throat. "As I was saying, each of you will be assigned a certain task. After each shift, you will rotate your duties. First off…Uzumaki Naruto."

Naruto jumped up and saluted. "What can I do for you, lovely madam?"

The nurse smiled. "My, what a nice-mannered young man we have here. Hmm, you can have the duty of entertaining the folks. Remember to do as they ask, and always treat them with respect." She patted Naruto fondly on the head. Naruto beamed triumphantly.

_What a little kiss-up! Hmph! I would never fall to such a low level._

"Next is Haruno Sakura. You will have the task of feeding the elders at lunch time."

"Yes ma'am, anything that pleases you!" Sakura fluttered her eyelashes emphatically.

_Well, not as bad as I expected. I mean, feeding a bunch of old people can't be too bad, can it?_

"Why sir, you have such a nice bunch of well-behaved children. You must be privileged to be their care-taker." Kakashi scratched his head lazily.

"Of course, madam, they are absolutely delightful." He smiled at her.

Gosh, Kakashi was hot when he was nice.

_Oh God. _

_I did _**NOT**_ just think that! _

_He is evil, lazy, scheming, annoying, vulgar, perverted, and…_

Kakashi's gaze fell on Sakura and he smiled at her.

_Hot. _

"And lastly, Uchiha Sasuke. You, young man, will have the duty of…assisting the elders to…uh…….'relieve' themselves when the need strikes. Is that clear?"

Sasuke just stared at her with a look of bewilderment. She had _not _just said what he had thought she had said. Right?!

"Relieve…themselves…" Sasuke mumbled dazedly. "I must have…heard….wrong…"

He grew pale.

_Oh no! What happened to my poor Sasuke?! If that woman had anything to do with it, I'll make SURE she pays!_

"Are you ok, Sasuke?" Sakura asked, lines of concern etched in her face. She reached up to touch his forehead, but Sasuke slapped her hand away.

"I'm fine!" Sasuke growled. "Just…leave me alone." He started talking to himself again, muttering incoherently like an insane old geezer.

The Lord have mercy on him…

Poor Sasuke…weeps for Sasuke let's just hope things get better, ne? -

Ok, it's my first/second attempt at a Naruto fanfic…Yeah, so my story sucks. XP DEAL WITH IT! TT

**Chapter 2 – Not the Lice! (Neji)**

_How stupid. _

_Stupid beyond reasoning._

_Helping at a nursing home? Give me a break._

_Why did _I_ have to end up with the insane teacher? What did_ I_ do to deserve being stuck with a bunch of worthless sissies as team members?! Okay, so maybe I'm not always the nicest person…and maybe I'm a little harsh on Hinata…and maybe I am a little stuck up…_

_Wait! I'm not stuck up. Scratch that. It's everyone else's fault for being stupid! _

_Hmph._

_But still. A NURSING HOME? Helping out OLD people? For goodness sake! _

_But alas. It seems that a cruel fate always follows the talented. Talented individuals like me, of course._

"Lee, Ten-ten, Neji, come over here! We must devise a plot to defeat Kakashi's team!"

Lee practically bunny-hopped over to where Gai was standing. Ten-ten and Neji strolled over casually.

"But first! We must go to the office and get our duties assigned. THEN we shall devise a plot that will bring about Kakashi's DEFEAT!" A look of satisfaction crossed Gai's face. "Come! To the office!"

Gai skipped down the hallway, stopping every so often to blind a wrinkled elder with his impressive smile. Lee followed his suit, a miniature Gai. That was a scary thought. ONE Gai was enough, thank you.

The team traveled down the hall, Gai and Lee prancing about energetically, Ten-ten casting discreet glances at Neji, and Neji with his hands jammed deep in his pockets, staring morosely at the ground with the intensity of a neurobiologist.

They stopped at a battered looking door. An old woman, resembling a raisin, opened the door.

"Come in, come in," she said, her voice grating harshly in Neji's ears. The team stepped into the room. "Let's see here…let me find my list…" The old woman sifted slowly through the mound of papers and trash on her desk. A few minutes ticked by.

"Um…I can't seem to find it…excuse me a moment…" The old woman mumbled to herself as she searched for the list.

Neji tapped his foot impatiently. He couldn't stand to wait in the room much longer, as it smelled of cigarettes and prunes – two things he greatly detested.

"Hmm…that's strange…I thought I put it somewhere around here…" She stood and scratched her hair.

It was then that Neji noticed something crawling in her hair, almost as if it were _alive_…..

_LICE!?_

Upon closer examination, he discovered that it was indeed lice. And quite a lot of it, too. Huge swarms of wriggling lice. In her hair. The lice squirmed about, tumbling on top of one another, their sticky antennae probing through her hair, some of them diving and burrowing into her scalp…

_Oh God._

_No._

_No._

_NO!_

Neji almost puked. He clutched his stomach.

"Neji? Are you alright?" Ten-ten eyed him curiously. "What's the matter?"

Neji didn't reply.

"Hello? Earth to Neji?" She waved her hand in front of his eyes frantically. "Hey Gai-sensei! I think something's wrong with Neji!"

Gai glanced at Neji momentarily. "Oh, it's nothing! Neji is just excited because of the mission! Isn't that right, Neji?"

Neji's senses swam as he pictures hordes of lice wriggling their tiny arms and legs at him in sickening glee…

He screwed his eyes shut and resisted the urge to scream.

"Neji? Ten-ten poked his shoulder.

"Neji?" Gai-sensei tapped Neji lightly on the back.

"NEJI!!!!!!!!!" Lee screamed loudly in Neji's ears.

Neji eyes popped open as he leapt back about 10 feet. It took him a few moments to regain his composure.

_God, that stupid Lee. He almost gave me a heart attack._

"Lee, you almost gave me a heart attack," he glared coldly. Lee smiled happily.

"Neji, you scared me! For a moment I didn't know if you were okay or not! I'm just glad you're back to normal!"

_That idiot. I'm nowhere NEAR being "okay"! What do you think!? I'm traumatized for the rest of my life for crying out loud! _

He glanced warily at the old woman who had her back turned to them and shuddered.

"Aha! I've found it!" the woman held up a crinkled sheet of paper above her head in triumph. She fumbled a moment with her spectacles.

"Now let's see here…first off, Ten-ten. You will be responsible for making sure all the elders are comfortable, ok miss?"

Ten-ten nodded humbly.

"As for Lee…you are assigned to help the elders get their daily exercise, including stretching and such."

"Hai, ma'am! This is just perfect for me!" Lee's eyes shone with determination. "I promise to do my best to help the elders of Konoha!"

"Lastly, Hyuuga Neji. I have something special for you, young man."

Neji felt his stomach lurch apprehensively. He tried not to notice that several of the bolder lice were crawling on her forehead.

"Yes ma'am?"

_Please, something not too horrible….please…I promise I'll be a good boy from now on…JUST PLEASE!_

"You," she said, smiling in a way that Neji found eerily sinister. "Will be my assistant for the day!"

Muahahha. How I love to torture dear Neji 3. It's my life ambition! D

Actually when I was writing it…I got kinda creeped out by all the lice stuff too --; shudders Eeep….


	2. Chapter 1 The Prune Incident

**Chapter 3 – Hands off! (Ten-Ten)**

"Dearie, could you get me a glass of water?" an old woman creaked.

"Of course, ma'am, coming right up."

"Oh, and later could you get me a package of prunes? They're my favorite, you know."

"Yes, of course."

"And maybe a little later you could give me a back rub? I'd appreciate it a lot."

"Anything to please you," Ten-ten forced a small smile.

"Oh, what a sweetheart you are! You wouldn't mind massaging my feet too, would you?"

"No problem at all, ma'am."

_SHEESUS. What is up with these old people! They're so demanding. Like slave drivers or something. Do this, do that! Get me this, get me that! Gosh, what am I, a slave? And I thought this was going to be easy. Boy was I_ _wrong. _

Ten-ten wiped the sticky sweat dripping from her forehead. Never had the word "tyrant" been so clear to her. But she had to admit that all this running of errands was a good workout. And a good workout meant a good figure. And a good figure meant that Neji would notice her. She hoped.

Her mind wandered to the white-eyed genin. Ever since the first time she had met Neji, she had admired him. There was this _thing_ about him. It wasn't just that he was good-looking. Though he was pretty dang good-looking. No, it was much more than that. It was just the thing about Neji that made him…well, _Neji_.

Even if he was slightly stuck-up. But of course, that didn't matter. As soon as she got him twisted around her little finger, she could easily fix that attitude problem. Before she knew it, Neji would be drooling all over her, like an obedient little Chihuahua. It was only a matter of time.

"Ten-ten," he would say in that oh-so-fine voice of his. He would be wearing a tux, of course. "Will you go out with—"

"Deeeearieeeeeeeeeeeee! HURRY UP WITH THE WATER, WOULD YOU! My skin is starting to flake!"

Ten-ten's head snapped to attention.

"Yes ma'am I'm on it!" She stumbled down the hall to the vending machine, quickly banishing any lingering thoughts of Neji. Fumbling, she pushed the button which read,

"Taste the fruity-ness of our Deluxe Prune-Water!"

Nothing happened.

She pushed it again.

Nothing.

She pushed it again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Still nothing.

"COME ON, DANGIT!" Using all the strength she had gained from years of training from Gai, she kicked the machine as hard as she could. There was a satisfying boom.

She coughed at the smoke that the machine belched out.

_Maybe that was just a little too hard…?_

She panicked as the outer shell collapsed onto the floor with a loud thud.

_Shoot. Now what am I supposed to do!_

Ten-ten fretted and wrung her hands as she heard the sounds of footsteps approaching. Where to hide? Thinking fast, she dove behind what remained of the vending machine and prayed that the person was mentally challenged.

"What the heck?" she heard a familiar voice mutter. "Who did this?"

_Please don't look behind the vending machine…please…_

"Byakugen!"

_NONNONNONONOONO! _ Ten-ten scrunched herself into a ball, hoping that Neji's Byakugen would overlook her.

Fat chance.

"You can come out now."

Ten-ten crept timidly out of her hiding place, her hands clenched at her sides.

"Ten-ten, what are you doing here?" Neji asked evenly. His eyes bored holes into her.

"I—uh—well…I CAN EXPLAIN!"

"Please do."

_Dang it. Why did it have to be Neji?_

"Uh…well you see…" Ten-ten rubbed her arm nervously. Suddenly she found the lint on her clothes engrossing. "I…um…the machine….wasn't working…and I uh…"

"I don't have all day to waste waiting for your explanation," Neji said coldly. "The old lady wanted me to get her something to drink pronto." Ten-ten thought she saw Neji shudder slightly at the mention of the old lady.

"Well….IBROKETHEMACHINEBECAUSEITWASBEINGSTUPIDANDWOULDN'TGIVEMEANYSTINKINGPRUNEWATER!"

….

"Come again?"


	3. Chapter 2 Sasuke Jr

Oh wow…what a random chapter. O.O Weird. Okay, Sasuke is sooooo out of character that it's scary. -; It's like a mutant Sasuke or something. But whatever, it was fun writing it. . Keke.

**Chapter 2: Sasuke Jr.**

Sasuke shivered. It was cold in the bathroom stall. Smelly, too. And the brown stains on the ground were quite disturbing. But it was better than the alternative….out _there_. Where _they _waited.

They had swarmed around him like a hive of bees. Eager, wrinkled faces, zany grins pasted on their insane faces, all waiting to be escorted to the bathroom. By him. Uchiha Sasuke. There was something in their lopsided grins that scared the jebeezers out of him. It had been one of the rare instances in life that our young Uchiha had truly known what fear was. Cold, full-blown, full-fledged fear.

Now Sasuke was not very accustomed to fear. So the moment it hit him, he had high-tailed it out of there to the bathroom and locked the door. Very, very tightly. Not to mention that he had placed several explosive seals on it. So if they _did_ manage to open the door, they would blown to bits of flaky skin. Almost like confetti. And he would be safe. At least he theorized.

Sitting in the cramped stall with a large, particularly fat fly settling on the toilet seat near him, Sasuke thought back over his actions. Had he been too cowardly? For a moment he felt ashamed. But only for a moment. He mollified himself with the thought that even _the_ high and mighty Itachi would've taken the same course of action when faced with such a life-threatening situation.

I mean, who wouldn't? Locking yourself in the bathroom? It seemed reasonable enough.

Sasuke sighed. The men's bathroom was really a disheartening place. Well at least the fly next to him was nice enough. Maybe he should name it for good luck? He pondered upon a name. Freddy? Walsworth? Carlson? Or…it hit him.

SASUKE JR.!

He was stunned with his own brilliance. No wonder he was considered the genius of the Uchiha clan.

"Well, Sasuke Jr., it looks like it's just you and me." He stared a bit _too_ lovingly at the fly, who was now occupying itself with a tasty mound of human feces. Sasuke reached over to pet his sole companion, but the fly teetered away, a bit disgruntled.

"Why won't you let me pet you! You don't like me or something?" The fly only scooted further away from Sasuke.

"Fine! BE THAT WAY! Consider whatever we relationship we had DONE WITH! I'm so over you!"

It perched precariously on the edge of the toilet seat. The brown water rippled forebodingly.

"Well you know what! I don't care what you think! You can go jump in the toilet and drown for all I care!"

Sasuke watched in horror as the fly, as if broken-hearted, tumbled over the edge of the toilet seat and landed with a **plop** into the gaping water.

"N-NOooooooo! I didn't mean it! Why? Why did you have to leave me?" Sasuke hiccupped between sobs. "Why…Sasuke Jr….we could have had something special….why…."

A thought occurred to Sasuke. He could still save Sasuke Jr.! If he saved him, Sasuke Jr. would be forever in his debt! And he would _have _to let him pet it! He watched as the fly struggled in the water.

"Don't worry, Sasuke Jr.! I'll save you!" He was about to reach with his hand to pluck the helpless fly from the germ-infested water when he heard the bathroom door open with a creak.

Sasuke was dumbfounded. What had happened to his explosive seals! He was going to sue the manufacturer as soon as he saved Sasuke Jr. and figured out who the heck had gotten past his ingenious traps.

"Sasuke…I know you're in here."

_Oh crap. _

He stayed deathly silent. Sasuke Jr. floundered in the water, the water slowly closing over its head.

Sasuke had a brief heart attack as Kakashi appeared in the bathroom stall. Right next to him.

"Sasuke, what are you doing?"

_Oh crap. Now what?_

"Nothing." He eyed Sasuke Jr. helplessly.

"Really now. Aren't you supposed to be helping the elders?" Kakashi watched the dark-haired genin suspiciously.

"I just uh…had to…go to the bathroom, that's all. I was just planning to leave until you showed up." Sasuke could've sworn that he heard Sasuke Jr. gurgle for help.

"Well…if that's so, you should hurry back. The elders are getting a bit restless." Sasuke gulped a little.

"Right…"

"Then what are you waiting for?"

"Nothing, nothing. Uh, you can leave first."

"No, I'll wait for you."

"I _insist_," Sasuke said through clenched teeth.

"No, I, as your sensei, insist that _you_ leave first. Oh, and there's a fly in the toilet, if you didn't notice." Kakashi reached out and in one swift movement, pulled the handle on the toilet.

The water swirled down in a torrent of brown. Sasuke watched, aghast, as Sasuke Jr. was sucked down into the black depths known as the sewer.

"Nasty little bug, that one. Pretty big too." Kakashi wiped his hand on his vest. "Well, that takes care of that." He looked at Sasuke strangely. "What's the matter, Sasuke?"

Sasuke had a pained look on his face.

_No…not Sasuke Jr….Kakashi didn't just…..flush him down the toilet….NO! I refuse to believe!_

Kakashi touched Sasuke lightly on the shoulder. Sasuke reacted abruptly and snapped back viciously.

"How could you!"

"How could I what?" Kakashi stared at him blankly.

"You….MURDERER!" Sasuke rushed past Kakashi, pummeling his way through the door. Suppressed tears glistened in the corners of his eyes as he ran, not caring where he went.

_Sasuke Jr., one day I will avenge you! _


	4. Chapter 3 Awkward Silence!

Holy shmoly. What a random piece of junk. .. Dude, haven't updated this in forever.

X-x-x-x-x-x-x-

_I'm hungry…_

His stomach grumbled noisily in agreement. The blond patted his stomach sympathetically.

_Boy, this is hard work. A bowl of ramen after this sounds good…_

His mouth watered at the thought of steaming artificial noodles swimming in oily, MSG saturated broth….

_Yum…_

He wiped the saliva that dripped out of the corner of his mouth as he reached out, eyes closed, for the nonexistent bowl of ramen…

_Come to Papa!_

He was awakened from his blissful fantasies as an old lady croaked out,

"Could you get me a Kleenex?" Green-hued snot was dripping grotesquely from the wrinkled face.

"I'm on it!" he shouted with a bit too much enthusiasm than the job called for. But perhaps I'm the one at fault. I mean, Kleenex's _are_ pretty interesting, being square and all. Anyways.

Naruto scurried down the hall to the office where the box of unsuspecting tissues lay. He was suddenly whammed straight into the wall by what felt like an NFL football player on steroids.

"Aghhh! What the heck! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GO—"

It took him a minute to realize what that something was. Excuse his limited mental capabilities.

"Sasuke?" Naruto asked, astonished.

"What?" Sasuke shot a glare at the blond, his eyes red-rimmed and…watery!

_Is Sasuke crying! OO_

Ohmigod! It's the end of the world!

Sasuke quickly turned his back to Naruto, wiping his eyes on the back of his hand. Naruto gaped, incredulous, his mouth flapping open like a fish.

"Oh….my…God….Sasuke…and to think I admired you!"

The blond keeled over, guffawing loudly.

"AHAHHAHAHAHAH SISSY SASUKE! SASUKE'S A CRYBABY! AHAHHAHAHA! Poor Sasuke's gonna cry now? Awww, I'm sorry. My humblest apologies. Here, let me get you a tissue."

Naruto mock sympathized with Sasuke, patting him gently on the back and shaking his head mournfully. He delicately plucked a tissue from the Kleenex box, waving it in front of Sasuke.

"Poor, poor Sasuke. Let me wipe your eyes, okay sweetie?" Naruto bent over, tissue in hand.

Sasuke ripped the tissue forcefully out of Naruto's grip and threw it aside. It fluttered limply to the ground.

"Naruto….shut up!" he growled, biting out each word.

Naruto cackled like a maniac, his eyes dancing with glee. He clutched at his stomach.

"Ahhhahhahhaaha! Wait till I tell everyone about this! You'll be the laughing stock of all of Konoha! Who's the loser _now_? Ahahahha!" Naruto gasped, wiping at the edges of his eyes where tears of jubilance were beginning to form.

Kakashi suddenly appeared from behind the corner, his head buried in _the_ infamous orange book. Naruto bounced eagerly up to Kakashi before Sasuke could protest, tugging persistently at the Jounin's sleeve.

"Kakashi-sensei! You won't _believe_ what I'm going to tell you!" Kakashi only grunted in response, pulling his sleeve away from Naruto and re-immersing himself in his book.

"KAKASHI-SENSEI! Listen, listen, listen!" Naruto whined.

"Shut UP, Naruto!" Sasuke snapped, his voice dangerous. Swirls of red flashed in his dark eyes. Could it be? (Gasp) The…SHARINGAN! (Psh, give me a break.)

"Oooooh, what's Sasuke gonna do, huh? Are you going to go cry to your mommy now? Kick my butt with your sissy-no-justu?" Naruto stuck out his tongue at Sasuke and danced around him in circles, wiggling his butt in a pathetic attempt to do the Macarena. "Kakashi-sensei! Guess what!"

Kakashi made an incoherent noise. Blasted kid. Did he always have to interrupt during the best parts? Seriously…

He better play along though, before Naruto got too hyper-active.

"Yes, Naruto?" he sighed tiredly, rubbing his neck.

"Sasuke's a cry-baby!" Naruto shouted. Sasuke winced at the loudness of Naruto's voice as it bounced off the walls. A long echo followed, and for a moment the three stood, open-mouthed, spellbound by this phenomena known as _the echo_.

Kakashi finally snapped out of the momentary trance and went back to his book.

"I already knew that, Naruto," he mumbled, waving the persistent blonde off, with a small gesture of his hand.

Naruto blinked, dumbfound.

"Oh."

An awkward silence ensued.

Ah, the joys of awkward silence! I will now proceed to fill the awkward silence with random nonsense! Now, behold!

Toothpicks are pointy! Earwax is yellow! Turtles are cool! My brother has a mustache! Er…_had_ one until he shaved it off.

Wasn't that riveting!

Now you see why I write these stories. All for the awkward silences, you know?  
Ahem. Back to the story.

The glorious, awkward silence was suddenly broken when Naruto abruptly and for absolutely no reason at all, began singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and skipping down the hallways, seeming _very_ much like Gai…

Gai has got _quite_ a following now, doesn't he? I'm considering joining the Gai posse myself. You should too. We all adore green spandex because it is _oh-so-elastic_! Come now, don't be shy! Be proud of the pair of green spandex pants I _know_ you keep hidden deep in your closet!

Oh dear. There I go again.

Are you beginning to wonder what the point of this story is, too? ;D

X-x-x-x-x—x

Seriously, this story is like….totally random. Sorry if you had to read this. My humblest apologies….T-T


	5. Ohmigwad Mohawk

o.o Um. Yeah. Let's just say...I had a little too much sugar in one sitting? Ahem.

X-x-x-x—x-x-x-xx

Let us, dear readers, zoom in on the life of the infamous Uchiha Itachi. Sure, it may not have _anything_ to do with the story, but hey! Itachi's hotness _more_ than compensates, because, well...Itachi is hot. Am I right? Yes. Of course I am.

Anyways.

Uchiha Itachi was sitting in his homey little cave along with his good old buddy, Kisame. You know, I've always wondered why Kisame was blue, but then I just figured it was because he was a shark, and sharks are…grey. Which doesn't explain at _all_ the phenomenon behind Kisame's blue skin, but that's alright. Because Kisame has a Mohawk. Notice the capital "M" I used to spell Mohawk, seeing as how very Mohawk-y his Mohawk is. It deserves a capital "M" because it's cool like that.

Anyhow.

What were they doing? Giving each other pedicures, of course. I mean, nails don't just magically paint themselves purple and make themselves all shiny and glossy! It takes hard work and painful _labor_, damn it! _Honestly_, the worth of healthy, seductive purple nails is _so_ underrated these days.

"Bring me a mirror, Kisame," Itachi purred in his oh-so-fine voice. Kisame sort of looked up and blinked dumbly for a moment, then scratched his Mohawk.

"Uh, I don't think we have one, Itachi."

Itachi just sort of stared at Kisame for a moment, like what Kisame had just said was _the_ most outlandish thing he had ever heard in his entire life. Which it probably was. I mean, the great Uchiha Itachi, lacking a MIRROR?

Unheard of, really.

"What did you say, Kisame?" he glared at his blue-skinned companion, his eyes unnaturally, bright red.

"Uh, I don't think we have one, Itachi?" Kisame repeated dumbly.

"And why not?"

The question left Kisame dumbfounded for a minute. He stroked his Mohawk.

"Um, I think it has something to do with the fact that we live in a cave…and uh, we don't get paid enough. So…yeah." He grinned smugly, proud that he had been able to come up with such a sophisticated answer.

"Is that so?" By now, Itachi had put down the bottle of purple nail polish with a tepid little _clink._

"….um. Yeah."

"Kisame…"

"…Yes?" He scratched his Mohawk nervously.

"Pull out your tooth."

There was an awkward silence.

Omigosh! Another awkward silence! More time for spouting random nonsense! Now, behold! AGAIN!

Eggs are white and prickly and come in multiple sizes, from Jumbo to PEE-WEE! Millipede pee smells like dead corpses! I find moles deathly attractive! My brother, uh…

Has curly Italian nose hairs! And um…our toilet doesn't work.

BWAH. Hah. Har. :cough:

Anyways, back to Kisame, who has finally managed to think of a (lame) comeback.

"Um…why?"

"So I can see my reflection in it."

Kisame blinked. Oh wait…Kisame is a shark. Can sharks blink? I'm forgetting whether or not they have eyelids... Gah. Oh well, we'll just pretend for now that Kisame can blink. Keke.

"But, um…" Kisame trailed off. "Wouldn't that be painful?"

"No."

"Oh…but Itachi?"

"Yes?"

"I only have one tooth…and uh, I think it's beginning to have a cavity." Kisame felt tears begin to well up in his eyes at the mention of his partially decaying tooth. It wasn't his fault that he didn't floss every day like he was supposed to! He was too busy, um…doing sharky stuff. And fluffing his Mohawk.

Itachi arched an eyebrow. "Oh? Then how come when you smile so sadistically, I see a whole _mouth_ full of shiny, twinkling teeth? HUH?"

Kisame coughed and began to twiddle his thumbs. "Well, um…I've never told anyone this before, but…" His voice lowered to a whisper. "They're all fake."

He suppressed a sudden, heart-wrenching sob and suddenly fled to a corner and began wailing hysterically and tearing at his Mohawk.

"Oh, Itachi! (sob)…I'm so sorry…(hiccup)…I never told you this before…(blowing of nose)…I'm just so ashamed...(weep)….MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE! A liieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! God, Itachi, I feel so _depressed_. I think I'm going to droooown in my misssserrrryyyyyy! Help me, Itachi! I think I'm turning emo or gothic or something….Lord, help me! This—this feeling! I think I'm going to CUT MYSELF! GAhhhhhhhh!"

Piercing screams of anguish resounded from Kisame's little corner as he contemplated using a particularly sharp rock to slit open his wrist.

Kisame sniffled and looked up with watery eyes as he felt Itachi tapping his shoulder.

"There, there, Kisame. Look at me." Itachi gingerly patted Kisame's Mohawk. "Don't _ever_ let anyone tell you that your life has been a lie, or that you're stupid or that…um…blue skin is ugly. I mean, look at _my_ life! I killed my whole family! Okay, maybe I left Sasuke alive…Anyways. Be proud of who you are. Kisame, hold your head up high and SMILE!"

Kisame felt tears of joy and adoration threatening to spill out of his (lidless?) eyes at Itachi's incredibly (cough) heartfelt speech. He managed a weak smile. Just as quickly, Itachi yanked out Kisame's one remaining tooth and pranced off with it, cackling wildly like a constipated eggplant (oO?), blood gushing out of Kisame's mouth.

"AHAHAHA! You FOOLISH…BLUE-SKINNED….SHARK-MUTANT THING! YOUR WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE AND YOUR"E STUPID AND BLUE SKIN IS SO…UGLY! AHAHAH! YOU SYMPATHETIC FOOL! NOW CUT YOURSELF AS YOU DROWN IN YOUR PATHETIC MISERY! AHHAHAAHh…oh."

Itachi stopped abruptly, closely examining Kisame's tooth. Kisame waited in nervous silence.

"It's not shiny."

Kisame gulped. "Huh?"

"It's. Not. Shiny. OMIGAWD IT"S NOT SHINY. How am I supposed to admire my GLOSSY SEDUCTIVE NAILS WITH THIS UN-SHINY TOOTH! HUH? And it has an unsightly CAVITY. THIS IS SCANDALOUS!"

Itachi shrieked and threw the tooth into the air. Kisame scrambled to catch it.

"I'm going to KILL SASUKE NOW, because the sight of your horrid, un-shiny tooth has caused me to become extremely and for no apparent reason, _very, very_ angry. Adieu."

And so, Itachi left in a puff of choking smoke, with the deadly intent to murder Sasuke. Leaving poor and hapless Kisame _all_ alone, as he attempts to cut himself with his un-shiny, cavity-fied tooth. Ah, what happy endings!

X-x-x—x-x-x—x-x-x-x-x-

To be continued…the next time I have a random spazz attack. Ah.


End file.
